personal psychic advisor

A lonely frog telephone the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future held. His personal psychic advisor tells. him "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." 

The frog is thrilled "This is great! will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

  

A man is complaining to a friend

A man is complaining to a friend: "I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great motorcycle, the love of a beautiful woman. 

Then it was all gone!" " What happened?" asks the friend. "My wife found out!" replied the man   

Whose Profession Came First

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are going out golfing. They are trying to decide whose profession came first. 

The doctor says, “My profession came first because when God removed Adam’s rib he performed surgery.”

The engineer then says, “No, no, no. When the earth was dark and void God created light. That was engineering.”

The lawyer says, “You’re both wrong.”

The doctor and engineer reply, “Oh yeah? What makes you think yours came first?”

The lawyer replies, “Where do you think the darkness came from?”

summer time

Very large hands

If you have 3 apples and 4 oranges in a hand and 4 apples and 3 oranges in the other hand what do you have?

Very large hands

The nun made a note

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching. 'Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large 

pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 

'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Why are you taking so long?

Did you hear about the golfer trying to buy a new golf club?

He looked at club after club after club. 

His friend asked him "Why are you taking so long?

"He replied "I am looking for a hole in one!"

Jealous Foreman

John was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.
"Why did the foreman fire you?" the friend asked in surprise. 
"Oh," John said. 
"You know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work"
"We all know that," replied his friend. 
"But why did he let you go?"
"Jealousy," answered John. 
"All the other workers thought I was the foreman."

Where do I go from here?

A man who was buying a sports shirt found the largest size was even not fitting.

“Where do I go from here?” he asked the clerk

“To the gym,” she replied.

funny funny jokes

James to his girlfriend Maria: "I'm not rich like Craig, I don't have a bid house like Craid, I don't have an expensive fast car like Craig, I'm not as good looking as Craid but honey I love you!" Maria to James: "I love you too - now tell me some more about Craig!"

What happened to the baby ?

For weeks a little boy told his teacher about the baby that was coming to his house. One day, his mother let him feel the baby move in her tummy. He then stopped telling the teacher about the baby. The teacher finally asked, "What happened to the baby you were expecting at your house?" The boy broke into tears and said, "I think my Mommy ate it!"

I haven’t heard them in over a week

Peter, one of the world‘s greatest hypochondriacs (a person who always thinks he‘s 

sick but isn‘t really), bumped into his doctor one day at the supermarket.

“Doc!” Peter exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept 

on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!”

“Wow! What wonderful news Peter! I’m so happy for you!” his doctor exclaimed.

“Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Peter. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m 

afraid my hearing is starting to go now!