Saturday, June 2, 2012
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Q: How did the frog cross the road when a truck was coming?
A: SPLAT!!! He didn’t.
Why did the 3-legged dog go back to Dodge City? To see who shot his “paw.”
What dog always gets on everyone’s nerves? A great pane!
Saturday, May 12, 2012
can i use your phone to call my girlfriend ?
can i use your phone to call my girlfriend ?
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
at May 12, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Friday, April 20, 2012
Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar
I can't believe that!
Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
A stockbroker is someone who invests your money until it is all gone.
A narrow mind has a broad tongue.
Why is it called a TV set when theres only one?
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Any given computer program, when running, is obsolete.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Your so short that ur the last person to know its raining
Q: What do whales like to chew?
A: Blubber gum!
Thursday, April 5, 2012
You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Friday, March 30, 2012
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
1st person: “Excuse me, but is that the sun or the moon?”
2nd person: “I don’t know. I’m new to these parts too.”
A friend of mine had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they would take up less room.
No one is listening until you fart.
Whats the diff between your wife and your job? After 10 years your job still sucks
Folk say you only fall in love once, but whenever I hear your voice I fall in love all over again.
It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management,
The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing,
"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Friday, March 23, 2012
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
I took an IQ test the results were negative
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Q. Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A. Take your foot off his head.
Q.What did the Grape say when the man sat on it?
A. Nothing it just gave a little wine!!!
Q. What do you do if a bird shirts on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.
Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
A. Because it was taking the piss out the underpants
Press any key to continue, where's the any key?
“Money can’t buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.”
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
@ I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up
my pillow was missing!
@ Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
@ We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the
@ If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
@ War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
@ A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at
@ I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
@ Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
@ Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
@ We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
@ I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
@ Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
@ Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
@ If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
@ When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.
@ Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.