While going to bed the other night

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed, stealing things. I phoned the police but was told nobody was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up. A minute later, I phoned again. ”Hello” I said, ”I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to worry now because I shot them.” Within minutes, there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said, ”I thought you said you shot them.” To which I replied, ”I thought you said there was no one available.”

A little girl was in church

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling 

ill.

“Mommy” she said, ”can we leave now?” “No,” her mother 

replied.

“Well, I think I have to throw up!”

“Then go out the front door and around to the back

Of the church and throw up behind a bush.”

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

“Did you throw up?” Mom asked.

“Yes.”

“How could you have gone all the way to the back

of the church and returned so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.

They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick.’