personal psychic advisor

A lonely frog telephone the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future held. His personal psychic advisor tells. him "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." 

The frog is thrilled "This is great! will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

  

A man is complaining to a friend

A man is complaining to a friend: "I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great motorcycle, the love of a beautiful woman. 

Then it was all gone!" " What happened?" asks the friend. "My wife found out!" replied the man   

Whose Profession Came First

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are going out golfing. They are trying to decide whose profession came first. 

The doctor says, “My profession came first because when God removed Adam’s rib he performed surgery.”

The engineer then says, “No, no, no. When the earth was dark and void God created light. That was engineering.”

The lawyer says, “You’re both wrong.”

The doctor and engineer reply, “Oh yeah? What makes you think yours came first?”

The lawyer replies, “Where do you think the darkness came from?”

summer time

Very large hands

If you have 3 apples and 4 oranges in a hand and 4 apples and 3 oranges in the other hand what do you have?

Very large hands

The nun made a note

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching. 'Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large 

pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 

'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Why are you taking so long?

Did you hear about the golfer trying to buy a new golf club?

He looked at club after club after club. 

His friend asked him "Why are you taking so long?

"He replied "I am looking for a hole in one!"

Jealous Foreman

John was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.
"Why did the foreman fire you?" the friend asked in surprise. 
"Oh," John said. 
"You know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work"
"We all know that," replied his friend. 
"But why did he let you go?"
"Jealousy," answered John. 
"All the other workers thought I was the foreman."

Where do I go from here?

A man who was buying a sports shirt found the largest size was even not fitting.

“Where do I go from here?” he asked the clerk

“To the gym,” she replied.

funny funny jokes

James to his girlfriend Maria: "I'm not rich like Craig, I don't have a bid house like Craid, I don't have an expensive fast car like Craig, I'm not as good looking as Craid but honey I love you!" Maria to James: "I love you too - now tell me some more about Craig!"

What happened to the baby ?

For weeks a little boy told his teacher about the baby that was coming to his house. One day, his mother let him feel the baby move in her tummy. He then stopped telling the teacher about the baby. The teacher finally asked, "What happened to the baby you were expecting at your house?" The boy broke into tears and said, "I think my Mommy ate it!"

I haven’t heard them in over a week

Peter, one of the world‘s greatest hypochondriacs (a person who always thinks he‘s 

sick but isn‘t really), bumped into his doctor one day at the supermarket.

“Doc!” Peter exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept 

on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!”

“Wow! What wonderful news Peter! I’m so happy for you!” his doctor exclaimed.

“Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Peter. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m 

afraid my hearing is starting to go now!

I married you for your money

It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

HUSBAND & WIFE JOKE

Wife: Why don't you ever wear your wedding ring?

 Husband: It cuts off my circulation.

 Wife: It's supposed to.

What's the matter?

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed. 

"What's the matter? Are you sick?" 

"No, I', okay. It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing."

A boy is assigned homework

A boy is assigned homework to have his parents read him a bedtime story. Upon reaching home, his father reads him a variation of the "Three Little Pigs." The story covered everything from the threat of the
wolf, to the new addition of the pigs buying their materials, to the pigs defeating the wolf. In class the next day, the teacher asked the boy what the man selling sticks thought when the pig came to his door. The boy
promptly answered, "Holy cow, a talking pig!"

You know what's really worrying me?

Two elderly women (90's plus) were discussing life on their front porch when one said, "You know what's really worrying me?" Her friend answered "No, what's really worrying you?" "I am so old all my friends in the celestial Kingdom will be thinking I didn't make it!"

The frog is thrilled

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future held.

His personal psychic advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

curtains for my computer

Customer: Hey Shopkeeper I want some curtains for my computer 

Shopkeeper: Why do u need curtains for your computer?

Customer: Oh you don't know my computer has windows 

pay a little attention

Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention here?

Student: Yes mam, I am paying as little attention as i can.!!

Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?

keep the money

Peter went to trial for armed robbery. The judge announced, "Not guilty."

"That's great! shouted Peter. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Business is going well

A man walks past a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand.

One day the man walks past the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding out both his hands. He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?”

The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch".

HAVING FUN

She buys a handgun

A young woman is worried because she fears her husband is having an affair,

so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful girl.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed,

begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the woman responds to the husband,

''Shut up...you're next!''

afraid of heights

they cut my finger

Two children John  and Peter , were sitting outside a clinic.

John  happened to be crying very loudly.

“Why are you crying?“ Peter asked.

“I came here for a blood test,“ sobbed John.

“So? Are you afraid?“

“No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Peter heard this, he immediately began crying

very loudly.

Amazed, John stopped his tears and asked Peter,

“Why are you crying now?“

To which Peter replied, “I came for a urine test!“

BEAN IN LONDON

He asked his boss for two more weeks

Peter  had just returned from two weeks' holiday.

He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.

“What!” shouted the boss.

“I can’t give you more time now. Why didn’t you get married while you were off?”

“Are you nuts?” replied Peter. “That would have ruined my entire holiday!”

Thug broke into my house

A guy was telling his friends: "Last night while I was down at the pub with you guys, a thug broke into my house."  

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked. 

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out and a pair of broken nuts, The wife thought it was me coming home drunk!" 

HIGH SPEED JOKES

The cop: “You were exceeding the speed limit, weren’t you?”

The driver: “Yes, I was, but you see my brakes are so bad that I

wanted to get home before I had an accident.”

the fastest car on the planet

April Fools Day

April Fools Day is an informal holiday celebrated every year on 

April 1. It is not a national holiday, but is widely recognized and 

celebrated in various countries as a day when people play practical 

jokes and hoaxes on each other, called April fools.

joke of the year

A new student came in class.

After telling the rest of the children

his name, the teacher asked,

“What does your father do?”

Student : “Whatever Mom says.”

  

Do you hate me?

Girl: Do you hate me?

Boy: Nope, I don't.. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.