Thursday, November 15, 2012


There were two blondes, and they had just come from a store. 
The blonde that owned the Mustang had locked her keys in the car. 
She was trying to pick the lock when she stopped to rest for a second. When she sat down, her friend said, “Hurry up, it’s starting to rain and the top’s down”

Friday, October 26, 2012


A policeman in the museum wonders around carelessly and
 knocks down a vase. The pale guard rushes to the scene and shouts:
“Oh my, this piece is 3000 years old!
what have you done?”
“Now that’s a relief, I thought I broke something new”

Friday, October 19, 2012


"My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and
vehicle maintenance."

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. 

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack 

Girlfriend: "Are you sure you love me, and no one else?" Boyfriend: "Dead sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday."

Saturday, October 13, 2012


Q. Why did the clown go to to the doctor?
A. He was feeling funny.

Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A. They're hiring.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare? 
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.


Stolen car
James left his car at the parking lot inside the mall. He went shopping. When he came back, the car was stolen. He asked: ”Who stole my car?” Nobody replied. He shouted:” Whoever stole my car, bring it back before I do what I did in NEW YORK. The thieves were scared and brought back the [...]

Saturday, June 30, 2012


Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge. 

If at first you don't succeed, try left field. 

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"? 

I have not yet begun to procrastinate. 

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

Saturday, June 9, 2012



What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine's Day?
Owl be yours!

Male: I would die for you... 
Female: Prove it

I love animals, they taste great.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Saturday, June 2, 2012



I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.

Q: How did the frog cross the road when a truck was coming? 
A: SPLAT!!! He didn’t.

Why did the 3-legged dog go back to Dodge City? To see who shot his “paw.”

What dog always gets on everyone’s nerves? A great pane!

Saturday, May 12, 2012



1st friend:
can i use your phone to call my girlfriend ?

2nd friend:
ya sure,
just redial....!

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Saturday, April 28, 2012



How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Golfer: "How do you like my game?" 
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf." 

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" 
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day." 

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." 
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." 

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." 
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Friday, April 20, 2012



Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar
I can't believe that!

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

A stockbroker is someone who invests your money until it is all gone.

A narrow mind has a broad tongue.

Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? 

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Any given computer program, when running, is obsolete.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Your so short that ur the last person to know its raining

Q: What do whales like to chew?
A: Blubber gum!

Thursday, April 5, 2012


You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?

They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Friday, March 30, 2012



Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

1st person: “Excuse me, but is that the sun or the moon?”
2nd person: “I don’t know. I’m new to these parts too.”

A friend of mine had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they would take up less room.

No one is listening until you fart.

Whats the diff between your wife and your job? After 10 years your job still sucks

Folk say you only fall in love once, but whenever I hear your voice I fall in love all over again.

It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management,

The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing,

"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Friday, March 23, 2012

jokes jokes jokes


I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. 

If you can't convince them, confuse them. 

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? 

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. 

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. 

I took an IQ test the results were negative 

Saturday, February 18, 2012



Q.  Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A. Take your foot off his head. 

Q.What did the Grape say when the man sat on it? 
A. Nothing it just gave a little wine!!!

Q. What do you do if a bird shirts on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q.Why is divorce so expensive? 

A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. Why was the washing machine laughing?
A. Because it was taking the piss out the underpants

Press any key to continue, where's the any key?

“Money can’t buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.”