Thug broke into my house

A guy was telling his friends: "Last night while I was down at the pub with you guys, a thug broke into my house."  

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked. 

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out and a pair of broken nuts, The wife thought it was me coming home drunk!" 

HIGH SPEED JOKES

The cop: “You were exceeding the speed limit, weren’t you?”

The driver: “Yes, I was, but you see my brakes are so bad that I

wanted to get home before I had an accident.”