He asked his boss for two more weeks

Peter  had just returned from two weeks' holiday.

He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.

“What!” shouted the boss.

“I can’t give you more time now. Why didn’t you get married while you were off?”

“Are you nuts?” replied Peter. “That would have ruined my entire holiday!”

Thug broke into my house

A guy was telling his friends: "Last night while I was down at the pub with you guys, a thug broke into my house."  

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked. 

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out and a pair of broken nuts, The wife thought it was me coming home drunk!" 

HIGH SPEED JOKES

The cop: “You were exceeding the speed limit, weren’t you?”

The driver: “Yes, I was, but you see my brakes are so bad that I

wanted to get home before I had an accident.”

the fastest car on the planet

April Fools Day

April Fools Day is an informal holiday celebrated every year on 

April 1. It is not a national holiday, but is widely recognized and 

celebrated in various countries as a day when people play practical 

jokes and hoaxes on each other, called April fools.

joke of the year

A new student came in class.

After telling the rest of the children

his name, the teacher asked,

“What does your father do?”

Student : “Whatever Mom says.”

  

Do you hate me?

Girl: Do you hate me?

Boy: Nope, I don't.. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

Every day of their holiday

Every day of their holiday, these two guys rented a boat and fished. One day they caught thirty fish.

JAMES  said, "PETER, mark this spot so that we can come back here tomorrow."

The next day when they were driving to rent  the boat, JAMES asked, "PETER, did you mark that spot?"

PETER replied, "Yep. I painted a big X on the bottom of the boat!"

JAMES growled. "You old fool! What if we don't get the same boat today?"

HE IS NOT BREATHING

A couple of Mexico hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“ 

I am your guardian angel

         

        

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came swerving around the corner, barely missing him. “Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?” “I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered. “Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where the hell were you when I got married?”

It took the old man two days