I married you for your money

It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

HUSBAND & WIFE JOKE

Wife: Why don't you ever wear your wedding ring?

 Husband: It cuts off my circulation.

 Wife: It's supposed to.

What's the matter?

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed. 

"What's the matter? Are you sick?" 

"No, I', okay. It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing."

A boy is assigned homework

A boy is assigned homework to have his parents read him a bedtime story. Upon reaching home, his father reads him a variation of the "Three Little Pigs." The story covered everything from the threat of the
wolf, to the new addition of the pigs buying their materials, to the pigs defeating the wolf. In class the next day, the teacher asked the boy what the man selling sticks thought when the pig came to his door. The boy
promptly answered, "Holy cow, a talking pig!"

You know what's really worrying me?

Two elderly women (90's plus) were discussing life on their front porch when one said, "You know what's really worrying me?" Her friend answered "No, what's really worrying you?" "I am so old all my friends in the celestial Kingdom will be thinking I didn't make it!"

The frog is thrilled

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future held.

His personal psychic advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

curtains for my computer

Customer: Hey Shopkeeper I want some curtains for my computer 

Shopkeeper: Why do u need curtains for your computer?

Customer: Oh you don't know my computer has windows 

pay a little attention

Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention here?

Student: Yes mam, I am paying as little attention as i can.!!

Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?

keep the money

Peter went to trial for armed robbery. The judge announced, "Not guilty."

"That's great! shouted Peter. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Business is going well

A man walks past a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand.

One day the man walks past the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding out both his hands. He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?”

The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch".