Why are you taking so long?

Did you hear about the golfer trying to buy a new golf club?

He looked at club after club after club. 

His friend asked him "Why are you taking so long?

"He replied "I am looking for a hole in one!"

Jealous Foreman

John was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.
"Why did the foreman fire you?" the friend asked in surprise. 
"Oh," John said. 
"You know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work"
"We all know that," replied his friend. 
"But why did he let you go?"
"Jealousy," answered John. 
"All the other workers thought I was the foreman."

Where do I go from here?

A man who was buying a sports shirt found the largest size was even not fitting.

“Where do I go from here?” he asked the clerk

“To the gym,” she replied.

funny funny jokes

James to his girlfriend Maria: "I'm not rich like Craig, I don't have a bid house like Craid, I don't have an expensive fast car like Craig, I'm not as good looking as Craid but honey I love you!" Maria to James: "I love you too - now tell me some more about Craig!"

What happened to the baby ?

For weeks a little boy told his teacher about the baby that was coming to his house. One day, his mother let him feel the baby move in her tummy. He then stopped telling the teacher about the baby. The teacher finally asked, "What happened to the baby you were expecting at your house?" The boy broke into tears and said, "I think my Mommy ate it!"

I haven’t heard them in over a week

Peter, one of the world‘s greatest hypochondriacs (a person who always thinks he‘s 

sick but isn‘t really), bumped into his doctor one day at the supermarket.

“Doc!” Peter exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept 

on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!”

“Wow! What wonderful news Peter! I’m so happy for you!” his doctor exclaimed.

“Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Peter. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m 

afraid my hearing is starting to go now!

I married you for your money

It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?' 
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

HUSBAND & WIFE JOKE

Wife: Why don't you ever wear your wedding ring?

 Husband: It cuts off my circulation.

 Wife: It's supposed to.

What's the matter?

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed. 

"What's the matter? Are you sick?" 

"No, I', okay. It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing."

A boy is assigned homework

A boy is assigned homework to have his parents read him a bedtime story. Upon reaching home, his father reads him a variation of the "Three Little Pigs." The story covered everything from the threat of the
wolf, to the new addition of the pigs buying their materials, to the pigs defeating the wolf. In class the next day, the teacher asked the boy what the man selling sticks thought when the pig came to his door. The boy
promptly answered, "Holy cow, a talking pig!"

You know what's really worrying me?

Two elderly women (90's plus) were discussing life on their front porch when one said, "You know what's really worrying me?" Her friend answered "No, what's really worrying you?" "I am so old all my friends in the celestial Kingdom will be thinking I didn't make it!"