Every day of their holiday

Every day of their holiday, these two guys rented a boat and fished. One day they caught thirty fish.

JAMES  said, "PETER, mark this spot so that we can come back here tomorrow."

The next day when they were driving to rent  the boat, JAMES asked, "PETER, did you mark that spot?"

PETER replied, "Yep. I painted a big X on the bottom of the boat!"

JAMES growled. "You old fool! What if we don't get the same boat today?"

HE IS NOT BREATHING

A couple of Mexico hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“ 

I am your guardian angel

         

        

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came swerving around the corner, barely missing him. “Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?” “I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered. “Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where the hell were you when I got married?”

It took the old man two days

grandma’s house

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Peter received his plate, he started eating right away. “Peter, wait until we say our prayer,“ his mother reminded him. “I don’t have to,“ the little boy replied. “Of course you do,“ his mother insisted, “we say a prayer before eating at our house.“ “That’s at our house,“ Peter explained, “but this is grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.“

Christmas present for my mother

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when Mary , a young lady aged about twenty years old, walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, “What do you want for Christmas?“ “Something for my mother, please,“ replied Mary sweetly. “Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,“ smiled Santa. “What would you like me to bring her?“ Without turning a hair Mary answered quickly, “A son-in-law.“

A couple was having problems

A couple were having problems so they went to a marriage councillor. He said: “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He then said: “Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?” The guy leaned over to his wife's hand gently, and whispered, “Self-raising, isn’t it?”

The sales manager jumped up

A sales manager and an operation manager went bear hunting. While the operation manager stayed in the cabin, the sales manager went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward the sales manager, who started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear jumped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The sales manager jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

While going to bed the other night

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed, stealing things. I phoned the police but was told nobody was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up. A minute later, I phoned again. ”Hello” I said, ”I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don't have to worry now because I shot them.” Within minutes, there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed. One of the officers said, ”I thought you said you shot them.” To which I replied, ”I thought you said there was no one available.”

A little girl was in church

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling 

ill.

“Mommy” she said, ”can we leave now?” “No,” her mother 

replied.

“Well, I think I have to throw up!”

“Then go out the front door and around to the back

Of the church and throw up behind a bush.”

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

“Did you throw up?” Mom asked.

“Yes.”

“How could you have gone all the way to the back

of the church and returned so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.

They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick.’

THE BIGGEST LIE