She buys a handgun

A young woman is worried because she fears her husband is having an affair,

so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful girl.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed,

begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the woman responds to the husband,

''Shut up...you're next!''

afraid of heights

they cut my finger

Two children John  and Peter , were sitting outside a clinic.

John  happened to be crying very loudly.

“Why are you crying?“ Peter asked.

“I came here for a blood test,“ sobbed John.

“So? Are you afraid?“

“No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Peter heard this, he immediately began crying

very loudly.

Amazed, John stopped his tears and asked Peter,

“Why are you crying now?“

To which Peter replied, “I came for a urine test!“

BEAN IN LONDON

He asked his boss for two more weeks

Peter  had just returned from two weeks' holiday.

He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.

“What!” shouted the boss.

“I can’t give you more time now. Why didn’t you get married while you were off?”

“Are you nuts?” replied Peter. “That would have ruined my entire holiday!”

Thug broke into my house

A guy was telling his friends: "Last night while I was down at the pub with you guys, a thug broke into my house."  

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked. 

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out and a pair of broken nuts, The wife thought it was me coming home drunk!" 

HIGH SPEED JOKES

The cop: “You were exceeding the speed limit, weren’t you?”

The driver: “Yes, I was, but you see my brakes are so bad that I

wanted to get home before I had an accident.”

the fastest car on the planet

April Fools Day

April Fools Day is an informal holiday celebrated every year on 

April 1. It is not a national holiday, but is widely recognized and 

celebrated in various countries as a day when people play practical 

jokes and hoaxes on each other, called April fools.

joke of the year

A new student came in class.

After telling the rest of the children

his name, the teacher asked,

“What does your father do?”

Student : “Whatever Mom says.”

  

Do you hate me?

Girl: Do you hate me?

Boy: Nope, I don't.. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.