You know what's really worrying me?

Two elderly women (90's plus) were discussing life on their front porch when one said, "You know what's really worrying me?" Her friend answered "No, what's really worrying you?" "I am so old all my friends in the celestial Kingdom will be thinking I didn't make it!"

The frog is thrilled

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future held.

His personal psychic advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

curtains for my computer

Customer: Hey Shopkeeper I want some curtains for my computer 

Shopkeeper: Why do u need curtains for your computer?

Customer: Oh you don't know my computer has windows 

pay a little attention

Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention here?

Student: Yes mam, I am paying as little attention as i can.!!

Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?

keep the money

Peter went to trial for armed robbery. The judge announced, "Not guilty."

"That's great! shouted Peter. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Business is going well

A man walks past a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand.

One day the man walks past the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding out both his hands. He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?”

The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch".

HAVING FUN

She buys a handgun

A young woman is worried because she fears her husband is having an affair,

so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful girl.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed,

begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the woman responds to the husband,

''Shut up...you're next!''

afraid of heights

they cut my finger

Two children John  and Peter , were sitting outside a clinic.

John  happened to be crying very loudly.

“Why are you crying?“ Peter asked.

“I came here for a blood test,“ sobbed John.

“So? Are you afraid?“

“No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Peter heard this, he immediately began crying

very loudly.

Amazed, John stopped his tears and asked Peter,

“Why are you crying now?“

To which Peter replied, “I came for a urine test!“