pay a little attention

Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention here?

Student: Yes mam, I am paying as little attention as i can.!!

Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?

keep the money

Peter went to trial for armed robbery. The judge announced, "Not guilty."

"That's great! shouted Peter. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Business is going well

A man walks past a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand.

One day the man walks past the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding out both his hands. He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?”

The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch".

HAVING FUN

She buys a handgun

A young woman is worried because she fears her husband is having an affair,

so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful girl.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed,

begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the woman responds to the husband,

''Shut up...you're next!''

afraid of heights

they cut my finger

Two children John  and Peter , were sitting outside a clinic.

John  happened to be crying very loudly.

“Why are you crying?“ Peter asked.

“I came here for a blood test,“ sobbed John.

“So? Are you afraid?“

“No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Peter heard this, he immediately began crying

very loudly.

Amazed, John stopped his tears and asked Peter,

“Why are you crying now?“

To which Peter replied, “I came for a urine test!“

BEAN IN LONDON

He asked his boss for two more weeks

Peter  had just returned from two weeks' holiday.

He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.

“What!” shouted the boss.

“I can’t give you more time now. Why didn’t you get married while you were off?”

“Are you nuts?” replied Peter. “That would have ruined my entire holiday!”

Thug broke into my house

A guy was telling his friends: "Last night while I was down at the pub with you guys, a thug broke into my house."  

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked. 

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out and a pair of broken nuts, The wife thought it was me coming home drunk!"